Maybe it’s time to admit that I’m human
For a long time I’ve checked myself whenever I find myself doing something in an inefficient or illogical way and have tried to improve what I’m doing. I struggle against human nature to try and get things done in the best way possible, I brush aside petty human concerns that I don’t want to partake in, such as love, and taking all pains to avoid offence. But I’m realised recently that in many arguments of this nature (*not* all of them) I am in fact a mass of contradictions and in fact I indulge in many aspects of human nature that I claim to wish to avoid. Instead of improving what I am doing I very often seek an excuse. This isn’t just to maintain a certain facade for others: it’s to maintain a semblance of my goals described above to myself.
Philosophically I’ve realised that I need to have far more of a balance. Essentially, the argument boils down to the fact that the answers to the eternal questions I set for myself may not be found through rational thought, maybe in fact artistic nonsense will find some of these answers. In my position now I can’t make the judgement to stick with maths and the like. I am saying things here you rarely hear from me, but I have been building up these kinds of views for some time and I do like to arrogantly denounce anything but maths and philosophy in person. Look past this; I’m far more open minded than I may appear. So what I need to do is stop pretending to myself that I am better than I am in these regards, I need to accept human aspects as they may have advantages that I’m not yet aware of. This is not to say I am going to stop questioning whatever it is I am doing to try to find more efficient methods. I’m just going to question my questioning to ensure I’m not hiding something. All of this year I’ve been moaning about how I’m being corrupted by this open-mindedness (a friend recently said I was ‘quite spiritual’) I don’t mean it. I might be married to maths but am in the midst of a passionate affair with philosophy…
To get some examples of how I am actually far simpler than I would like to claim, one only has to read back on this blog. I’m in a near-constant state of concern over things such as exams, inferiority, maintaining control, losing arguments. I get jealous very easily and am constantly wondering why I should bother living if it’s all been done before. And yet the point here is that I keep going regardless, I give in to human survival instincts – or maybe I make a logical argument that means I should. I don’t know which is right and this is vaguely my point. Particularly over the past six months I’m doing things totally out of character. I’m discussing the definition of friendship and reading books I would never pick up in the past. I’m indulging in things I wouldn’t have time for in the past. This blog has become a lot more ‘personal’ according to my grandfather. I value friendship more (based on love, of course). Is this okay? I don’t know. As long as I keep doing the important things as well I’m hoping that admitting I am human is only going to help me untangle my mass of contradictions.
There are implications here for the fact that I have long had a policy against relationships beyond friendship. As of late I’ve been having some problems as I’ve knocked down many of my own arguments on this issue leaving at present only one firm such argument remaining. I can no longer argue as I did long ago that relationships are silly due to the necessary heartbreak because I know that I’m not emotional enough to suffer for more than a very short time. I can’t argue that I don’t want to end up devoted and in love with one particular person because there may be someone else because a relationship doesn’t have to be that deep. I can barely keep up my argument that I’m not interested in people because as long as they are interesting people I am (I’ll admit here (yay) that I have very little time for the average person, and can be rude in attempting to get out of dull conversations whereas I’m sure most conversations I start are reasonably dull). I can shore this up with the point that actually, I am interested in people as friends and nothing more. So I’m safe for now, but I am starting to lose this argument more and more regularly.
It’s taken me several attempts to write this post as it kept meandering off into nothingness and so I started again. I’m not altogether happy with the lack of decisiveness here, but maybe that’s a good thing. Looking back at my old version, it was far more eloquent, but ah well.
I’m trying to update this blog
Do what I do! Embrace your contradictions, then challenge them to a game of chess on top of a mountain. With rapiers. And bees.