This blog is in dire need of an update, and in my uncharateristically cosy attic room this evening I intend to fulfull said need. Things have been happening lately with regard to the rest of my life. I finally got my university application off a few weeks ago (wow I need to update more often), applying for Maths and Philosophy at Oxford, Durham, Birmingham, York and Nottingham universities. The first two have been my actual choices of places I really want to go to for some time, but both are hard to get in to and hence insurance choices, as they are usually called, are very much needed. This was particularly difficult for me. Some people visit all of the places they apply to, but I was a bit stuck in this regard as all you really get on open days are the advertising from the universities, and this is also true of the prospectuses they unload on you. I really found it hard to pick places where I would like to go, or where I would like to go as opposed to others. Fortunately, my course isn’t all that common (I couldn’t really apply to either seperately either because my personal statement was so geared towards the joint honours course) and so I had a narrow list to whittle down, but my list still isn’t as well thought out as it probably should be, considering I could well end up at any one of these places for three or four years. What made this harder (wow again I need to update more often, all this past tense) was the fact that I got such conflicting feedback. My form tutor, who knows me pretty well, said that she would eat her hat if I didn’t get into one of my first two choices and that I really shouldn’t agonise over the other three. My mother on the other hand (who isn’t fantastically keen on me applying to Oxford at all, although she’d probably say this sentence is misrepresenting her view…) continually points out the risks at each stage. This makes more sense and is probably my approach, but I will see who was more realistic come Spring 2009 when offers, or lack thereof, come through.

While it’ll take until then for places like Oxford to let me know whether they want me, I’ve actually already had two offers this half term. This is very reassuring as at least I know I am going to university at all - and as a friend points out, going somewhere I chose. York have offered me ABB as the A level grades they want, including an A in maths which I already have and so this is an ideal insurance offer, should my A levels go fantastically, superbly wrong. Nottingham have given me something less useful; AAB including an A in both maths and further maths as while I am likely to meet this offer if I do, I’d rather go to one of my other choices. The difficulty now is picking between these kind of places, and this I suppose comes down to the course content, something I need to look into more. Probably worth visiting them too, but this can wait until the time of picking between offers comes along, which of course could well be just between these two.

Speaking of this half term holiday, it’s not been going quite according to plan so far. I very much intended to get some non-school stuff done, catch up on some awaiting tasks and generally take stock of things after a solid block of weeks into the new year (note the lack of figure as I can’t be bothered to go and work it out). However I was shocked to discover, on Saturday entirely by chance from an Internet friend, that the Oxford entrance exam for maths is the Wednesday after the holiday, i.e. three days into the term, and as far as I was aware at this point school didn’t know about it. Fortunately I was able to get in touch with a maths teacher from school, and I borrowed text books to revise from as the test is on material we did ages ago (to allow non-further maths students to do it), and it seems the school will be automatically sent an exam paper since I have applied. This has meant that this half term has, after homework, consisted of preparing for this test. I did my first past paper this afternoon, and got around 70%. Adding on marks for silly errors I believe I would have fixed due to careful checking over in the actual exam, this gives me about 80%. This mark doesn’t mean anything however, because the Oxford website is not particularly helpful in terms of what it makes available. For the two specimen papers available, answers are provided but only general notes about how marks are applied, rather than them being split up for parts of questions. For the two actual past papers available, one is on a slightly extended syllabus so isn’t as helpful and neither have mark schemes, but instead average marks and average marks of successful applicants are shown - and they differ between the two years a fair bit. So on the specimen papers I can find out what I got right, but I can’t know if my mark is any good, and on the past papers themselves I can’t even start marking anything. Great.

From what I have done, and through a little web forum searching and chatting to people, I’ve come to the conclusion that a mark of around 80% plus a good interview is what I need in order to have a fair shot at a place, and I think this is something that I can achieve. Most of the test is very approachable, with only a few super hard questions that I’m not likely to get, unlike the Cambridge maths admission test where getting half of it right would be a prodigy-like performance. The questions tend to focus on spotting something, a fact or trick or hidden axiom in a question, which then makes the rest of it pretty simple. I know that I’m not going to be able to answer some of the very hard ones in an exam situation, but I can get the more normal ones pretty well. And if I can’t, I’d like to hope that this means I’m not someone who should go to Oxford for any kind of maths course, and that I’d just find it too hard anyway. I’m trying to convince myself to put my faith in the test and interview process as an effective selection filter. Actually succeeding at said convincing is an entirely different matter of course.

My obsession for getting into Oxford is still a serious issue, especially considering the fact that it’s probably quite likely (assigning probabilities is pretty futile here) I won’t get in, and also that I may well not get into my second choice either. I’ve asked Oxford to consider me for maths should they not want me for maths and philosophy (they give this choice to all applicants) and if I were to get in for this, though unlikely since the philosophy is my stronger side, I don’t know what I’d do: give up my favourite subject or give up Oxford? it seems I’d give up the former at present. I seem to have this idea at the moment that if I don’t, I’ll be missing a mark of self-worth, and that if I do get in, I’ll never again have to worry about my own standards. This is silly. My abilities and more importantly who I am are not going to change because of this application, if I do get in I’ll be very far from the top in terms of ability, and plenty of bright people go to other places. It also doesn’t help how I cannot help but measure myself based on my academic success or failure. I would never, ever claim that ability is something to judge people on and I stick to the idea that choices and intent are what make someone who they are. But I don’t follow this in my own thoughts, that maelstrom of convoluted contradictions.

So with regard to university I shall see how things pan out. With regard to the non-school stuff that I was planning to do over half term, I’m starting to despair at my own lack of ability to actually do the less interesting aspects of my work for projects that I am so passionate and enthused about. It seems that my grandfather’s life-long comment that I’m inherently lazy is coming more and more true. But I think I’m finally accepting that I’m not going to override this natural tendency any time soon. Sure, I could force myself to do things as well as school work and have no leisure time at all, but I’d hardly be doing much of quality. I can’t go forever as some people I know can. So on the advice of a long-time colleague on the web, I’m trying to delegate more, and section myself down to things that I can manage and do and fit around everything else. I’m restricting my Wikimedia work down to jobs I know that I can do well and I’m going to stop taking on other things that I end up leaving hanging for ages because of school and the like, only coming back to them later. I’m going to keep at my role as user support on freenode when I can, working away at something I know I do reasonably well where I can properly and consistently put something towards a project that I care about.

This blog post is feeling more and more detached as I go through all these topics, a common symptom of not having updated properly in a while, and the quality of my writing is somewhat slipping. The other thing coming up pretty soon is my eighteenth birthday, and at the moment I have three parties planned for different groups of people. Party is a word I am loathe to use because of the connotations of such events for my age group. I am not going to be drinking alcohol or going clubbing or having hundreds of people round to trash my house as seems to be the traditional image. Instead, I am taking full advantage of having an inset day on my birthday, which is a Monday, and also one on the Friday before the weekend, giving me a four day weekend. On the Friday I am having a LAN party with Teh Geek Warriors, the usual group of geeks from school, and we intend to get some serious gaming done. The Saturday will just be filled up with leisurely pursuits, since I have asked for the time off work. The Sunday sees a fancy lunch for the family, something that is far more for them than me, since it’ll involve my mother’s boyfriend’s children, who I’m not exactly keen on, and my cousins dog, which I hate. And then on the evening of my birthday itself my friends of my own age (geeks are all younger) will be round for some form of meal my mother is cooking. I am at this point incredibly grateful to her for doing all of this, and will endeavour to do as much as I can to help throughout. I am looking forward to my long birthday weekend. I shall try to update this blog more often, and certainly will do so for those four days. Here’s hoping they are memorable enough that I won’t need to re-read the post to recall.