Scholarly credentials
As those of you who follow me on Twitter will know, I’ve been in the process of writing a very large Philosophy essay (by A-level standards) recently and it has got me thinking about the kind of work I will be doing at university as I imagine there will be plenty of similarities. The task is to write four thousand words on one of a small selection of topics and then convert this into one thousand words of notes, and reproduce the essay in exam conditions – on a computer, so with my typing speed this makes the whole activity a complete farce since it will be thoroughly checked and perfected by my teacher and I before knocking out words to convert it into the thousand words of notes ready to be reproduced in a four hour session. Fairly ridiculous for something that words out to be 20% of the A-level as a whole which is more than any of the other individual exams. Everyone in the class is aiming for full marks or very close to that. But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy writing the essay itself. I sat down about a month ago and just typed away on a laptop for most of a Sunday (with breaks at various points, making it take up the better part of the day) and, mainly from memory given that we’d discussed the whole thing at such length in class and I’d read various other things, produced the first draft of the essay. What makes the whole thing even more ridiculous is that we had a photocopied chapter of a book that basically answers the very same essay question. I drew ideas and argument order from this but little more though, and cited it where appropriate.
The whole idea of making an interesting essay that illustrated its points and flowed along nicely really appeals to me. What’s also great is that I’d got to the point (with this particular topic only I note) where I was spontaneously quoting from other books and then having to go find the attribution rather than the other way round: searching in those books for something to quote. So I remembered a good way of expressing something and then grabbed a book and started flicking through to find the line in question. I assume that this is what university Philosophy will be like to some extent, reading various sources and bringing together some form of argument. If it is, I very much look forward to it. The problems begin to arise for me when it comes to changing the essay in order to make it more suitable for the exam. I was told that while my content was fine and the essay was elegant it wasn’t structured clearly enough to be marked by an examiner, despite being a good read. So over the past two days I’ve been working on making the argument clearer and clarifying some examples, but in the process I’ve completely overshot my word limit. This has really made the whole exercise seem a lot less worthwhile since I liked (and my teacher liked) what I had originally. But unfortunately I remain stuck in the grip of national exams which I must pass to go where I want to go in October.
So I now wonder how good I actually am at studying a wordy subject, unlike Maths which I am generally happy to just sit down and do. History last year was awful for me because I really didn’t know how much work to do at any one point and I was constantly tied up in wondering how much work to do for exams. But I am really hoping that that will change after this summer. I hope that at university exams really won’t be the constant concern or checking point for everything academic I do and that finally I can be free to explore subjects as fully as possible. I really hope that I can actually become good at being a scholar: reading (at a reasonable speed, which I fail hard at at the moment and this puts me off doing any reading at all) others’ works, working out what is useful, and building something of my own. Someone said to me recently that they thought I’d go down to Oxford and never leave. While I’m not convinced I’m good enough for that, I would now like to just be an academic, a lecturer of some form probably, as a career. There’s nothing that I care about enough other than my subjects to put my lif e towards.
Results again
There is a definite difference between rationally deciding upon something – whether it be an opinion or an action – and psychologically totally accepting it. I find it is when the latter occurs that something special has happened and yet telling others about such things is never quite the same. I may have been preaching an obvious opinion for years but then when I truly realise it it is an excitement that is very hard to get across to others. I don’t know if this happens to others but I imagine it does. The other day it was exam results day and I experienced one of these moments on the bus in. For a great deal of time I have railed against our exam-focussed culture and have claimed that what matters is the expansion of one’s mind through education as opposed to the completion of certifications of various forms. Exams have only ever been for me a challenge in getting certain grades as opposed to something that actually matters – or so I tell myself. In reality I have long been concerned. Posts on here show that. However, finally on the day of this round of results a few weeks back I finally realised that I no longer cared. Now that I have my university place and the knowledge that as long as I don’t do anything stupid I will meet the grade requirements for it, it is very easy to say this. But it really was a wonderful moment when I finally realised that the results meant nothing more to me than a gateway to this next advancement. And I thought it was worth writing about here. It is wonderful to know that I can truly enjoy the intellectual aspects of my subjects (aside from the intolerably dull Medical Physics) without being concerned hugely by exams, especially given the low percentages I need in the summer to get straight As. I do not mean to sound too comfortably secure here – the lack of enthusiasm I was able to show for friend’s results a few weeks back annoyed me. But I’d really like to think that were I not in this comfortable position regarding results, I would have eventually come round to this opinion regardless.
Musical considerations
I’m not, and haven’t been for a long time, very good at listening to music. By this I mean that I have a very specific problem: at any one time I listen to a small selection of tracks over and over again and then feel very dissapointed that they no longer sound as good after I’ve heard them a ridiculous number of times over a few weeks. And then thereafter they are never really as good at they first were. This is not something I myself have really identified; my family have been telling me for years. I seem to do this in many areas of life: I get very very into certain things for short periods of time and then move on. It’s not something that I consider a positive trait in any way and I would much rather develop interests into deeper understanding but as per usual as soon as something becomes any real challenge I lose most of my interest in it. I’m not convinced that there is a lot I can do about this because if I am no longer interested in something then I’m not going to pursue it very successfully as I’ll be going against what I actually want to do. I don’t know if this is, though, me just holding my behaviour up to ridiculously high standards which I then inevitably fail to meet – something else I do very often. Friends tell me they have short attention spans and can’t believe how long I can spend on particular pieces of work, or certain specific interests which I do maintain. So maybe this is not too much of a concern.
To return to the originally intended subject matter of this post, I thought it might be nice to write a little about my music library. Since I got my iPhone, despite this forcing me to use iTunes which is possibly the worse piece of software ever, I have listened to a lot more music (although in the mornings on the way to school I usually listen to good old fashioned Radio 4 FM for the Today Programme) on my frequent and long bus journeys to and from school. This has meant that my library of music has tended to become a bit repetitive since it’s not really very big and it doesn’t get added to very often. Until a few months ago, my music consisted of soundtracks and computer game music with very few exceptions. While I still have all this music, it is a pretty static set. Unless I play a new game that I think has really good music, or see a good film that releases its soundtrack (my favourite music remains the Lord of the Rings film scores by Howard Shore, truly fantastic), it won’t expand, and I end up stuck with a small selection of tracks that means that they lose their appeal for the above described reasons. So I’ve since added to the collection a bit from old CDs in my parents’ collections, things that I can remember growing up hearing and liking: the likes of U2, Savage Garden, Gretchen Peters and the Lighthouse Family. I’ve also got a few other things like a couple of Brent Simon songs, and most of Jonathan Coulton’s lyrically powerful music. But this leaves me without a source of good music that I can draw from to keep a good flow of new material.
This has changed recently. On one boring Friday afternoon in Physics, my friend Tom and I exchanged lists of music to lookup and play. I suggested various tracks that can be found on YouTube for him to listen to, and he gave me some things to look up from his personal area of interest, Drum and Bass music. A complete departure from my usual content, I was told repeatedly that I wouldn’t at all like it and I didn’t really expect to, but was interested in taking a look. At first, the various computer generated tunes failed to appeal as anything more than background sound while working which I could definitely appreciate. But now, after listening to more ‘chaones’ (== tunes) and mixes, I think I should probably admit to the world, however much it pains me to do so, that I’ve become quite the Drum and Bass nerd. I’m not bothered about the clubbing (obviously, I don’t see why anyone would want to go to such places) and insufficiently restrained volume controls that tend to come with such music, but simply the actual creativity that goes into tracks. Finally I have something that I can add to and collect and enjoy. My vocabulary and knowledge of the big players and classic tracks is very much lacking at this point, but I seem to be leaning more towards the liquid subgenre which is melodic, tuneful work that is very much reminiscent of the soundtracks in my collection already. My two current favourite tracks that I would be happy to include in a classics playlist are Hurt You by Chase & Status and Beautiful Lies by B-complex, an unreleased track from an unknown artist that has really set off some shockwaves.
I’m not entirely sure what it is about DnB that appeals to me, but I have been known to laugh at those who attempt to pin down, particularly in classical music, any kind of specific meaning in work. Uncharacteristically, I shall simply state that I like certain bits, certain notes of songs and leave it there. With few lyrics in this genre and with track and artist names that are essentially whatever sounds vaguely memorable, there is very little else to go on. So I’m trying to add some more variety to what I listen to, and I think I’m succeeding, aside from finding myself playing certain favourites over and over as before. And I very much enjoy laughing at the culture and vocabulary: ‘massive’ and ’shout’ and other such nonsense that I’m not convinced anyone actually buys into. I would also like to add some more classical music to my library, so I need to find a friend to feed me suggestions. Maybe instead of getting better at listening to the music I already have, I’ll just get as much as possible and feed the roaring furnace of consumption of it in my mind. Excellent.
Refreshing an old idea
I have long been a fan of the saying to the effect that it is entirely fruitless to cry over spilt milk, meaning that if one has no control over something then there is no point in worrying about it. This seems at first thought entirely obvious and I imagine most try to follow it, but very often fail: psychologically it is very easy to worry or to fool oneself into thinking that one has some modicum of control over something enough to justify said worrying, or maybe that by worrying one creates some kind of control. I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist, but the saying in itself seems to hold a fair amount of merit. This week I’ve decided to try to make a renewed push in my own life to follow it. While this is all too easy to say and far more difficult to follow, I think I’ve been succeeding in it lately. This half term holiday has not been brilliant in several ways so far, and yet I have managed to remain very positive and rational. Firstly, it is already Thursday and the amount of work I have got done is not fantastic. More importantly, I have completed a large integration exercise over several days and yet did not achieve a fantastic score (since improved upon by fixing silly mistakes). Crucially, I found myself starting at certain problems for an hour, requiring help from a friend for one and being forced to work backwards from a computer-generated answer for another, and also being unable to see how my numerically identical answer can be rearranged into the form in the answers in the back of the textbook for another of the seventy-eight questions. So I’ve been dissapointed: I imagine others in the class will not have spent so many hours (I reckon about fifteen but several of those were with heavy IM distractions. Still far too long) on it and will not have found certain ones so hard, and may have even done the one I had to work backwards on. However, I am not letting this bother me. As I have written about many times before, I have a constant tendency to be unhappy with my academic performance unless everyone else is doing far worse than me, something I am ashamed of. But this is just an irrational circular argument. So I intend to ignore it, for there is no use metaphorically crying over it. So far I am succeeding. Now I merely have to reconcile my usual cynicism with such a policy.
Another multiply dissapointing thing that has occured this holiday is repeated crashes from various causes of Warcraft III roleplaying games, run over a VPN with a few friends. Warcraft III, as many will know, is a strategy game at heart involving various traditional fantasy races battling it out. It’s an old game but is still incredibly popular despite there now being many more fantasy games out there without the limitations of the engine. This is primarily because of the huge number of custom Warcraft III maps/levels available, since the game’s included world editor is supremely flexible; these then get distributed through playing online. There is Defence of the Ancients or DotA, with a massive cult following, that is used in international tournaments. One struggles to find a game of DotA where you don’t find yourself being automatically kicked for not being on their list of safe players (these are people who won’t disconnect and ruin a game since there is no way for players to take the slots of those who leave). There are various other quick-fire games of some skill: in Sheep Tag, some players as sheep construct farms with narrow passages between them that the other players, the wolves, attempt to destroy in order to catch the sheep. If the sheep survive for a certain length of time (as long as they are not all captured, captured sheep can be released by teammates) then they win.
Then there are the roleplaying maps, my favourites. There are some fixed maps with clever methods for saving heroes so that games can be continued, featuring the usual simple quests and collectable equipment and skills. But it is the entirely flexible RP maps that I most enjoy. These have gone through several generations of names and improvements but the most commonly played at the moment seems to be Secrets of the Depths RP, or SotDRP, though they all work pretty much the same and in fact use much the same terrain or actual playing environment. In an RP game, the player uses various commands to create cities, towns, camps, armies, navies and heroic adventurers with no limits on resources. The game then has two clear aspects. The first, which is probably the one I prefer, is constructing bases and camps and other such niceties to set a backdrop for the story. By rotating, resizing and making invisible structures, intricate and attractive creations can be wrought. Then the actual roleplaying begins, which is effectively like DnD or Exalted with props and effects. The system allows you to name and speak as characters, and while it may seem like an odd way of telling a story it actually turns out to be a great deal of fun, especially when it is with people you couldn’t conveniently meet up with otherwise. The crashes, then, stem from the limitations of Warcraft III as a game. Because RP maps are such a massive hack, Warcraft III’s saving of multiplayer games (a feature absent from many other games which is a shame) doesn’t work fantastically well. And if someone disconnects, that is it: there is no way to get them back in. So the dissapointment stems from losing all the building done, which can take several hours. But I intend to push on with the recurring plot a friend and I have established.